Tivo summarizes last night’s episode of the Bachelor as “Ben and Chris Harrison discuss memorable moments; Emily talks about how her chance with Ben was ruined by her hatred for Courtney; the women discuss the impact of Courtney’s behavior; Ben faces the rejected; a sneak peak at the final two women.”  Perhaps a little over-simplified, eh Tivo?

I think we all can agree that words like “discuss” and “talk” should be substituted with “bitched out” and “shout over each other.”  Tivo neglected to convey the raw emotions these 23 discarded women continue to experience now that their only chance of love was ripped from their black hearts.

The Women Tell All format is a chance for viewers like me to look back on a season of the Bachelor that I didn’t watch and quickly form strong opinions about who is evil, who is nice, and who a one Mr. Ben Flajnick (or whatever) should spend the rest of his life with. 

So I got to meet all the women Ben left in his wake, starting with Blakeley.  Firstly, she’s old.  So much older than say 23 year old Mouse Girl (Erika) or 24 year old What’s Wrong With Me Girl (Kacie B. ).  Blakeley didn’t get to say a whole lot before one of the other women - I think it was Chihuahua Girl (Samantha, 26) - who cut her off, then cut her down to size.  This interruption opened the floodgates of bitchery.  Chris tried to let each rejected woman have her say but he couldn’t compete with the force that was Busting Out of Dress Girl (Emily, 27). 

[NOTE: I’m using the Ben’s Rose’s sheet as my guide to who these women are.  And I’m finding one universal truth: they all come from parents who chose the skankiest version of spelling their names.]

Early in the episode, the studio audience was promised a visit by two surprise guests: the hated Courtney and the beloved Ben. Holy shit did that crowd of women lose their collective mind!  And one totally butch guy in the audience lost his shit along with them!  If I didn’t know who to love or hate, or who was telling the truth or telling lies, the studio audience was my compass: the pursed lips, the eyebrows darting heavenward, and the snarky scowls told me everything I needed to know.  Blakeley was bad.  Courtney was bad.  Nicki was good.  And Emily was the voice of the women in the audience who wished that Ben would have listened to the warnings about Courtney, instead of banishing Emily for not treading lightly.  But it’s hard to tread lightly with her hopes and dreams weighing her dress down, up top, in the bosom area. 

Before the two surprise guests joined the show, there was a third gal who crashed the party, like she’d done is San Francisco.  Her name was Chantall I think?  Yup, it was.  I just confirmed with Kelvin and Steven.  Chantall fell hard for Ben while watching him on the TV and was allowed to join the ladies at the house to vie for Ben’s love.  When she didn’t receive his love or his rose, she had to drive back to Chico, like a real asshole.  Needless to say, she was not very popular with the other ladies and it wasn’t simply because of her bulbous thighs.  Apparently, the contestants thought it was disgusting that some woman would compete for Ben’s love… on a TV show… just like they were doing. 

Once Courtney sat down with Chris, the shit really started to fly.  “The Discarded” flung allegations left and right and all Courtney could do to protect herself was pout her lips.  As she absorbed the blows, it became clear that she was playing these women like jury perfectly.  She admitted fault.  She apologized for calling Blakelely a stripper.  She even force a human-like cry out to beg for their sympathy.  This ploy might have worked on Casey S. but it sure as shit didn’t fool Jennifer (nor her neon red hair).

When the time came for Big Ben to come on out, the gaggle of felines in the audience were lathered into a frenzy, similar to the lather Ben formed by washing his hands of so many undesirables.  The women wanted Ben to elaborate on why he didn’t chose them.  When did doubts creep in for Nicki?  Was it a bad rap song that soured him to Emily?  But as Ben had done in the other two episodes I’ve watched, he yet again slithered out of the tough questions by saying he didn’t expect rejecting these women to be as tough as it was.  Every single ladypart in that studio forgave Ben in the hopes that he’d give them another chance.  Jamie, 25 is so in love with Ben, she basically offered to fornicate right then and there if Ben wanted. 

And while there technically wasn’t a rose ceremony last eve, there was an almost-as-romantic tampon ceremony.  Monica, 33 handed an unsed tampon to Jenna, 27 as a way of making up with her.  If more of these women would just share tampons with each other, perhaps they would find the love they’re looking for.

Was the Women Tell All show enough of a chance for these women to grieve and move on from possibly the most dramatic season in the history of The Bachelor?  Probably.  As screen legend Julia Roberts once said: ”I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”  That sums up the feeling of each of Ben’s outcasts.  They want what every woman wants: love on TV.  Love that lasts 18 months after the season ends.  Never-ending love that ends so they can do a stint on The Bachelor Pad. 

Fatty’s gone.

No spoiler alert required. Because by now you’ve probably seen this episode, where Ben culls the herd from three to the final two prospective Mrs. Flajniks. Even if you haven’t, you must’ve seen the writing on the wall, right? Because as much as Ben likes women such as Nicki who are open, gentle, caring, nurturing, super-sweet, and kind-hearted, he REALLY likes women who are some of those things and are more toned in the upper-arm area or are models.

So it’s farewell to Nicki, the Texas dental hygienist. Poor Nicki. Back to staring all day into patients’ mouths while trying to forget Ben’s mouth and the places she let him put it.

Which leaves Lindzi (aka Horsey) and Courtney (aka Nickname-Giver, aka Shoulders McCrazy).

            But it’s not about the results; it’s about the journey.

Ben’s journey this week begins aboard a Swissair jet, headed to the land of chocolate, numbered bank accounts, and, in my personal experience, toilets that are way too shallow. (No, I’m not confusing Swiss toilets with bidets. Please. I know the difference between a toilet and a bidet. I also know that one time I found myself on a Swiss commode in a charming B&B outside Lausanne being lifted off the toilet seat by my own feces.)

Ben, being perfect, doesn’t use the bathroom once during his 12-hour flight to Zurich. Nor does he eat fondue, or read the in-flight magazine. He’s too busy staring out the window, feeling every emotion in the book: love, anger, sadness. Well, three emotions. Ben has the abridged Book of Emotions. When he’s not feeling, he’s thinking. Ben’s thoughts are: These three beautiful, incredible women are all so beautiful and incredible. He can see making a life with any of them. Who knows, though? There’s still a chance that he might make the wrong choice, and propose marriage to a reality show contestant and have it not work out perfectly. That scares him. Although not as much as Kacie B’s father scared him. Thank goodness he won’t have to deal with that lunatic or Kacie ever again!

Ben thinks back on his time with Nicki. Running through the rain in Old San Juan then outfitting himself like a Puerto Rican pimp… hearing about her failed marriage to her high school sweetheart… visiting her hometown, Ft. Worth, where he got to buy a cool cowboy hat and eat take-out barbecue with her divorced parents. He thinks he might be falling in love with her, even though deep down inside we all know her muffin top and ample booty are a deal-breaker.

Ben’s thoughts turn to horse-loving Lindzi. She’s a little bit country and a little bit city, with the rest zoned light industrial. She makes him laugh. Ben likes funny (but not too funny, c.f. Emily the Ph.D. student). In Lindzi’s hometown, her parents made him pull a buggy with them in it. That visit pulled his relationship with Lindzi to the next level. She’s really starting to open up to Ben. He thinks he might be falling in love with her.

Ben thinks he also might be falling in love with Courtney. He’s had an incredible feeling about her since their first date in Sonoma. A feeling that can only be described as: boner. Especially when they skinny-dipped in Puerto Rico. On the minus side, Courtney also might be evil. Or crazy. Or pretty weird, at least. Although Ben likes weird. But not too weird. Like, what if Courtney is in Switzerland, waiting beside a mountain lake to renew their fake-wedding vows, blowing on one of those giant Swiss horns, which Ben would know is an alpenhorn if he had read the in-flight magazine?

Ben finishes all this thinking just as his plane touches down in Zurich. From there it’s a short train ride to Nicki, and their special day together.

DAY #1 - NICKI

Might this day start with a ride in a red helicopter? Yes, it might.

Ben loves helicopters. And Nicki loves Ben. Maybe Nicki will one day find happiness by marrying a helicopter. On this day, though, she and Ben chopper to a grassy peak surrounded by craggy mountains. They spread out a picnic lunch and metaphors. Ben says their relationship is getting to new heights, but it’s also grounded. Nicki, not to be out-metaphored, looks around and says there are cliffs they could fall off, just like in their relationship. 

During the picnic, Nicki does most the talking. She tells Ben she feels safe with him. And that it means a lot to her that her not-dead father reminds Ben of his very-dead father. But not to the point where she thinks Ben might be suggesting that the spirit of his dead father now resides within her father. While Nicki talks, Ben looks deeply into her eyes and nods a lot and occasionally repeats things she says, to show he’s paying attention, even though they’re on a mountaintop and there’s lots of cool stuff to look at besides her face. By the end of the date, somehow Ben has found the extra “spark” and “wow” he was looking for in Nicki. Maybe it was the way she let out a whoop from the mountaintop, after he showed her how.

That night, Ben and Nicki repair to a charming chalet (Literally, Nicki says, a log cabin, even though it’s not, though, okay, it is made of wood). In front of a roaring fire, they ignore their dinner and discuss what life would be like for them in “San Fran.” What would they do on weekends? When her parents visit, would Ben have to pull them around in a cable car? And how many kids does Ben want? Luckily, Ben and his sister have discussed this topic — that’s normal, right? Deciding, with your sister, how many kids you both want? And it’s the same number, four? Oooh, awkward: Nicki’s magic number is two children. She quickly drops the subject. The really important thing is, her father reminds Ben of his dead father.

As much as Ben loves his conversations with Nicki, he interrupts this one with the card that holds the key to their fantasy suite. Will Nicki do him the honor of accepting this key, along with his penis?

They head off to smaller wooden chalet, which features an indoor hot tub filled with icy blue sports beverage. And that’s where we leave them. Nicki in her bra, soaping Ben’s shoulders as he kisses her like an ape eating a piece of fruit. She says words that every man wants to hear before spending the night with a woman in Switzerland then giving her the heave-ho: I know I love you, and I’m in love with you… 

DAY #2 - LINDZI

Ben and Lindzi go rappelling. Well, a facsimile of rappelling, designed for people with no climbing skills and a terrifying fear of heights. Basically, a sinewy old Swiss mountaineer straps them into harnesses and camera-equipped helmets and then lowers them off a platform, simultaneously but independently, one rope each, down to the gorge floor 300 feet below. It’s a great chance for Ben and Lindzi to be there for each other. Although to be fair, old Hans up top is the one who’s really being there and doing all the work. As Hans (not Hans the snowman that Ben and Nicki make; that’s a different Hans) sloooowly plays out the rope, Ben yells we’re free-falling! Possibly, he shits himself. Meanwhile, Lindzi is less scared of plummeting to the rocks below than of opening up and telling Ben she loves him, on account of having her heart broken by some other guy a year ago. 

Before long, Lindzi and Ben are loosening up in a hot tub, this one outdoors and windmill-powered. Ben says he really appreciates that Lindzi’s opening up to him and becoming more vulnerable, because he doesn’t enjoy having sex with guarded women he can’t hurt.

At the Hotel Victoria Jungfrau, Lindzi struts her stuff in a teenie-weenie dress. Ben wears a teenie-weenie bow tie. As they pick at their perfunctory dinner in an elegant room suitable for signing peace treaties, Lindzi lays it on the line: She absolutely, positively, really likes Ben and is falling in love with him, despite his stupid tie. Not exactly an “I love you,” but close enough to merit a trip to the fuck-shack— sorry, fantasy suite. This one, in the hotel, is notable for its crazy banana-colored walls and sheets. We are left with the unsettling image of Ben and Lindzi making out awkwardly on the bed, Lindzi’s skirt riding even higher up her thigh, Ben’s tiny bow-tie twirling like a propeller…

 DAY #3 - COURTNEY

Courtney and Ben ride on a train to a picturesque village, where they forgo a visit to the Swiss Army Knife outlet store and instead assemble a picnic lunch. Courtney loves Switzerland. It makes her feel like she’s in a painting. She waves at strangers, points at goats, and goes with Ben to a bread shop. Then they go to a cheese shop. Wisely, they avoid the clock shop, and the awkward moment where Courtney walks in just as all the clocks go “cuckoo! cuckoo!” At the bread store, Ben surprises her by speaking German and revealing he learned it from his dead father, who was a Nazi war criminal. Kidding! Ben’s dad was too young to be a Nazi war criminal. Courtney loves how Ben is always surprising her, though. There’s never a dull moment when the two of them are together, and even when there is, the silence is golden. As the date continues, they experience other non-dull moments, such as yelling at cows. Yelling at cows is part of a game Ben and his sister invented, called “Hey, Cow!” Actually, yelling at cows is the whole game. The rules are: You yell “hey, cow” at a cow, and if the cow looks, you win. Courtney turns out to be terrible at “Hey, Cow.”

Yelling at cows is fun, but Courtney and Ben realize that eventually they will have to talk about the dark cloud hanging over Courtney. Namely, all the shitty things she said to the other girls over the previous eight episodes. They start to talk about Courtney’s sociopathy, but there are so many cows listening. So they leave their picnic blanket just lying there on the grass and find a more private retreat: a wine cellar. There, Courtney says she feels both bad and badly about the shitty things she said and did to the other girls. She’s not proud of it. She says there’s no excuse for her actions, except there is: She has trust issues; not only with men, but also women. Somewhere, in the deep recesses of her weird and possibly evil little brain, a cuckoo clock strikes twelve. All Ben hears, though, is Courtney apologizing. Phew, glad that’s over! Now where’s that darn envelope from Chris with the key in it? Oh, there it is, time for sex with a model. 

Ben and Courtney’s key unlocks a private cabin that features a tiny outdoor hot tub just big enough for the two of them, not including her shoulders. In the tub, she straddles him and rubs his pecs and wraps her arms around him. She feels like she’s in a fairy tale. A fairy tale in a painting. A fairy tale in a painting in the Museum of Winning.

THE ROSE CEREMONY 

We already know what happens to Nicki, even though she wore her special “give me a rose and I’ll do things that would make Caligula blush” mini-toga.

Before that, though, Ben gets a knock on his hotel room door. Surprise! Its Kacie B! She’s a hot mess of a train wreck. Ben sees her and goes: Holy (bleep). Kacie goes: I don’t even know what to say, then proceeds to prove it. It turns out she’d like an explanation for why Ben sent her home at the end of last week’s show. Ben says he didn’t see a future for them. Kacie B. implies – parents be damned — she would have shacked up with Ben in San Francisco if he had picked her. Ben pictures being hunted down like a dog in the Bay Area by Kacie B’s father. Ben tells her he’s sorry. She tells Ben she just doesn’t want to see him get hurt by Courtney, who’s in it to win it. Ben doesn’t know what to say, except “Can I walk you out?” Afterwards, Kacie B. sprawls on her back in the hotel hallway. Later, the hills are alive with the sound of more heartbreak, this time Nicki’s. I’ve never been in love with somebody who hasn’t loved me back… I thought I was ready to be a wife again, but after this it’s gonna take a while…

Okay, and while you do that we’ll be with Ben and Courtney and Lindzi in Zermatt. 

Whore Horse

Hometowns! Hometowns! Hometowns! Are you ready to meet the families of the girls of yours and Ben’s dreams? Of course you are! That’s why you’re reading this! And good news! Each contestant comes from a white upper middle class bordering on wealthy family, so we don’t have to look at any gross poor people!

Off to Lindzi’s hometown in central Florida, home of Tom Petty and Limp Bizkit, the two greatest musical acts of the last fifty years. Ben walks gingerly down a hill to greet Lindzi, who is riding a horse because of course she is. Lindzi leans off her horse and over a fence to give Ben the most awkward hug on this show to date. Ben seems confused and apprehensive, as if he thinks he’s hugging a real life centaur.

Now Ben seems confused that he’s only the second guy Lindzi has ever brought home to meet her parents. And now Ben seems confused by the prospect of riding a horse. He gets confused a lot. Ben says he’s sort of familiar with horses because his dad rode a horse as a kid, but that’s not really how being familiar with horses works. Lindzi, on the other hand, says she’s rode horses before she learned to walk, which seems dangerous. What kind of psychopath parents would put a baby who can’t even walk on a horse? We’ll meet them soon.

Lindzi and Ben share a wine picnic. Lindzi goes on and on about how she’s always getting her heart broken and Ben seems confused again. Not knowing what else to do, Ben kisses Lindzi like a goldfish eating a flake that got trapped in the corner of the tank. Or maybe he kisses her like a guy holding an ice cream in each hand, and he’s trying to lick the ice cream that’s dripping down the side of the cone. It’s sexy gross!

Time for Lindzi’s parents. They have matching dogs. Lindzi’s dad Harry is instantly the best guy in the world. He looks like he’s been in the sun for too long and is sort of loopy. When he talks you can’t tell if he’s drunk or Forrest Gump-style retarded. Is it possible that he is both? I hope so. His first words to Ben are, “I’VE GOT SOME WONDERFUL CHILLED CHARDONNAY.” This guy is the best.

Turns out that Lindzi’s parents got married in San Francisco, which Ben takes for a blessed sign from God, for some reason. “What are the odds?!” Ben says. “We were just in San Francisco!” What a doof.

Harry challenges Ben to a horse carriage race, because I guess that’s what wealthy people do to while away the time. They start gearing up, and Harry is in full-on Drunk Forrest Gump mode: “YOU HAVE TO TRASH TALK ME, BEN, LAY IT ON ME!” Ben is like, “Uh, I just met you, sir.”

After a really unexciting montage of horse carriage racing, Lindzi’s parents win. Harry is standing up and cheering, “THE RESULT OF THE RACE, THE CHAMPIONS, THE OLD PEOPLE! NOW YOU PULL US BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE WHERE WE HAVE GROWN UP JUICE AND TALK ABOUT YOU AND THE PRETTY GIRL MAKING KISSES!” And then Ben and Lindzi actually do drag her parents back to the house in their carriage while Harry whips them and grunts. That is weird, right?

Now the four of them pair off for varying conversations. Lindzi’s mom loves reminding Lindzi about her past mistakes with boys. Lindzi’s mom tells Ben, “We kept her away from boys and focused her on the horses and her drill team.” Normal childhood! Ben tells Harry he’s not ready to propose to anyone yet. Harry says, “OUR FAMILY IS LINDZI, AND OUR DOGS AND OUR HORSES, WE WANT LINDZI HAPPY. I LIKE YOU, YOU CAN BE FRIENDS WITH MY HORSES? YOU RACE GOOD!” Ben says he would go to Harry for advice because he seems wise. Ugh.

The four of them reconvene by a bonfire and drink that wonderful chilled chardonnay from before, only the men get to drink out of wine glasses that are mason jars on stems. They are some classy red-fuckin’-necks, ya’ll. Ben and Lindzi say goodbye and Harry is like, “BYE BEN, HOPE YOU LIKED MY JARS!!!” Ben and Lindzi kiss and that’s the end of this chapter.

On to Tennessee for Kacie B.’s hometown. She is wearing a red version of the shirt Danny Devito wore in Batman Returns, and also a full body leotard and some weird boots. Fashion! Kacie B. twirls a baton with a high school marching band to welcome Ben before retreating to the bleachers to drink wine. Just like she did in high school!

Kacie B. says, “One of the love stories that has inspired my life is my grandparents.” We all find that insufferable. She goes on to tell Ben the great story about how her grandfather died and then her grandmother said she wouldn’t make it to Christmas, and then she died around Thanksgiving from a broken heart. She wraps it up with, “I just have these great examples of what marriage is.” Ben: “Greeeat…”

Kacie B.’s dad is a sober federal prison corrections office. Fun sounding guy! Ben gets nervous and tells Kacie B. not to kiss him that evening because of her parents, but also maybe because he thinks she’s gross and tastes like burgers. Regardless, Kacie B. is intent on letting her parents know that this is a real relationship and they need to take it seriously. The only problem is that this isn’t a real relationship, and whatever it is, Ben is having the same deal with three other women.

Here’s the family! Kacie B.’s sister is missing a sleeve. We’ll catch the jerk who stole your sleeve, little sis! Her parents seem like they just hate everyone and everything and are skeptical of everything. Kacie B. and her sister confirm this in their private chat, where Kacie B. just complains that she does everything for everyone else and everything bad in her life is her dad’s fault. Allison says five words in all, all of them, “Totally.”

Now Ben and Kacie B.’s dad sit down for a chat. He just grunts at everything Ben says. Ben has the faintest of praise for this man’s daughter and then he is just like, “Are you OK with all this?” Kacie B.’s dad: “Why on earth would anyone be OK with this?” Fair question. Ben says he believes in the sanctity of marriage, but he probably has a different definition than Kacie B.’s dad since he slipped it into Courtney in the ocean.

At this point, Ben misreads the situation completely and starts confiding his fears about commitment and marriage in Kacie B.’s dad. Ben thinks they’re bonding, but Kacie B.’s dad is like, “What is wrong with you? If you don’t like my daughter, just fucking tell her and don’t hurt my little girl” Fair enough! I’m siding with this crotchety old man!

From there, Ben sits down with Kacie B.’s mom, who CLEARLY has needed someone to talk to all these years. She goes on and on about integrity and how moving to California is for liberals and how she doesn’t want them moving in together right after the show and blah blah blah. Ben assures her he has “traditional values,” but again, he fucked Courtney with a production crew watching and filming for America to see, so… At this point, Ben is worried he’s not going to get Kacie B.’s parents’ approval, which is sort of like worrying that the popcorn may burn if you leave it in the microwave for twenty minutes.

Kacie B. and her dad talk now. Dad is like, “Why don’t you just date him like a normal person? Why do you have to do it on a TV show?” Kacie B. is just like, “I wanna move to San Francisco, dad, be cooooool for once in your life! I’m in love with him!” Dad: “The other three girls are in love too, I bet.” But Kacie B. isn’t hearing it and threatens that if Ben proposes, she’s saying yes. At this point it becomes clear that Kacie B. is using The Bachelor as a way to rebel from her parents once and for all.

Now Ben leaves. Kacie B.’s family didn’t really love him and why should they?

Fort Worth, TX! Everything is bigger in Texas, including Nicki’s butt! (That was Kelvin’s joke. Sort of. Not really, but I’m blaming him for it.) I may be biased because Nicki is my pick, but I actually really like her. She seems as close to a normal woman as possible on this show, and is probably the only person any of us would enjoy hanging out with in real life.

Ben loves Texas. Here is an abridged list of Texas things he loves: Texas horses. Texas steers. Texas queers. Texas Tears for Fears. Texas Cheers and Texas Jeers.

He also likes Texas Nicki. Nicki says the last time she brought a guy home “under these circumstances,” she married him. Oh Nicki, always bringing guys home with camera crews and America watching before she marries them. These are just the circumstances she always finds herself in. What a gal!

Nicki greets Ben with a makeout sesh while families with strollers walk around them. They go from there to get boots, because they’re in Texas. (Ben loves Texas Boots.) Some creepy boot man greets them and says, “Make yourselves at home.” In a boot shop, a place all of us feel comfortable enough to call home. Nicki makes a metaphor about boots, and how every relationship fits like a boot and she’s the best boot for Ben and she wants Ben to be inside of her because she’s a boot. I don’t know, whatever, I wasn’t listening.

Ben puts on a hat and makes for the least convincing cowboy of all time. Nicki says he seemed “very comfortable and confident.” Cut to a bartender sliding a drink down the bar to Ben, who fumbles it and daintily tries to not spill on himself as he says in a nasal voice, “Ooooooookay?”

Nicki and Ben go on a “let’s talk about my divorce” picnic. I’m not interested in any of this. Stop talking about your divorce. Stop it. Nicki talks about how her parents are skeptical of every relationship she gets in because of her divorce, and Ben says, “I hope they are skeptical about our relationship because of your divorce.” Then Ben goes in for a kiss while also saying, “I’m excited to meet your parents.” But he must be nervous because he kind of says it like Latka from Taxi and it actually comes out, “I’m exciting to meet patents.”

Ben and Nicki decide it’s time to go meet the parents, but then stop ten feet later to make out again, spilling wine down each others’ backs and imitating other Andy Kaufman characters. “Thank you veddy much.”

Nicki’s house! There are fake geese out front. That’s fun. Turns out Nicki’s parents have been divorced almost her entire life, which figures. I mean, like parents like daughter, am I right? Nicki’s family is a blank slate, and her little brother is the blankest slate of all. Nicki starts recounting their cowboy shopping spree from before and her parents seem bored. Nicki’s dad: “Ben, do you ever have trouble getting a word in since Nicki talks so much?” Nice question, dad! Not cutting at all.

Nicki and her mom peel off for a heart to heart, and it’s actually very sweet. Or less weird than you’d expect, at least. I might’ve been charmed if I forgot for a second that this was a nationally televised sweepstakes to see who gets to fuck a boring guy who stomps on grapes for a living. Nicki moves onto talking with her dad, which is boooooring. Nicki’s dad blames himself for Nicki’s divorce. That’s normal.

This whole time, Ben and Nicki’s brother have been staring at each other across the dining room table. Ben: “So, you like wine?” Nicki’s brother: “I’m 17.” Ben: “Oh.” Silence ensues.

Cut to a classic Texas dinner: Texas Baked Beans, Texas Ribs, Texas Coleslaw. All the Texas things Ben loves. Nicki is grasping onto Ben’s hand and Ben is kind of trying to wriggle out of it. Nicki’s dad stands up to give a toast that is basically like, “You guys have all the love and support you can get from us.” Ben seems like he wants to get out of there, but can’t because Nicki pulls him aside. She spills her entire heart to Ben, confessing how he’s all he wants and she wants to move to San Francisco to be with him.

Ben’s reaction: “Mm hmm…” To be fair, this is his usual reaction to most things.

As Ben leaves, Nicki tells the camera, “If it could be this good now, it would be this good forever.” That makes sense! That’s how relationships work! No bad things happen in relationships! Remember your last marriage and how great that was, Nicki?

Now what we’ve all been waiting for: Scottsdale, AZ for Courtney’s hometown! Of course Courtney would be from Scottsdale. Who had Scottsdale in the office Where is Courtney From pool?

Courtney greets Ben and takes her directly to her parents place, explaining that her dad calls it, “Casa de niñas, or house of the girls.” Spanish lesson! Courtney’s family is exactly how you’d expect them to be: glassy eyed and overcompensating. Her mother has clearly had work done and looks like Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development meets the lady who did Lambchop. Courtney’s dad is Barry Bostwick Lite.

Ben and Courtney join the family on the porch, which is called “patio de la capilla,” otherwise known as “patio of the girls.” The whole family talks about Ben for a while like he’s not sitting there, and for a second you can see Ben think to himself, “Am I a ghost?”

Courtney and her sister go off for a chat. Courtney’s sister: “You seem as happy as I’ve ever seen you.” Courtney, in a whisper through gritted teeth: “So happy…” Subtext: “I’m not happy.”

Meanwhile, Courtney’s dad pressures Ben into making a “bet on marriage,” but also maybe he’s trying to get him to invest in a business venture? I’m not sure what’s going on with him. Ben doesn’t seem sure either, so he stats hemming and hawing, which causes Courtney’s dad to cut him off and apply the hard sell about grandkids. Healthy family dynamics! A little later, Courtney’s mom lays this bombshell on Ben: “The perfect man would be able to make her happy.” Whoa. People in relationships are supposed to be happy with their mate? That is some deep-dish philosophy pizza right there.

Before we go to commercial, Courtney reveals she hasn’t told Ben she loves him yet because she’s scared. But she has a plan. Cut to… a shot of a golf course? What?

Back from commercial, shit starts getting banans, which is short for bananas but not much shorter. In hindsight, I should’ve just said bananas. Anyways, Courtney takes Ben to the park where she had her first photo shoot, but I’m not sure an old man taking photos of your feet without your permission counts as a photo shoot. Also, Courtney has basically set up a fake wedding to tell Ben she loves him. Which makes sense.

Courtney explains: “If I were afraid of heights, I’d jump out of a plane.” This is not the same thing, Courtney! If you’re afraid of telling someone you love him, the most direct antidote is to just tell him you love him. It’s not a 1-to-1 thing, you crazy magical woman!

Anyways, this wedding seems to making Ben happier than he’s ever been because he has no sort of radar set up for psychopaths. He says, “How far are we going to take this?” as if he hopes Courtney’s answer is, “To the point where we are legally married and I let you touch my butt with your ween.” They write vows and then exchange vows and then oh my God this was sort of painful I can’t even talk about it really.

Ben’s vows, summed up: “You’re pretty, and I liked it when we were in Belize together.” Courtney over praises him. “You just wrote that? Wooowwww.”

Courtney’s vows, summed up: “I’m dancing around saying the very simple phrase ‘I love you,’ and for some reason am having trouble saying it even though I went through all this trouble to get to this point and that should maybe be a warning sign for you. Also, I want to love you.” Ben’s reaction: “Wow, you said you loved me.”

So Courtney set up a fake wedding with fake rings and a fake minister in order to tell Ben “I love you,” but technically she never said, “I love you.” At one point she said, “Ben, I want to love you,” and then closed her vows with, “I want you to know that I’m in love with you,” but she never said the simple and direct phrase, “I love you.” That feels significant for some reason. Or maybe not. Why do I care? Have you guys heard of this Rwandan Genocide? Maybe I should start caring about that more.

So a fake wedding happened. Ben maybe thinks it was real and is clearly head over boners in love with Courtney. Courtney clearly does not like Ben, even as a person.

Next, Chris Harrison and Ben rehash the whole episode. Booooring. Ben does have this to say about making his choice of who to send home: “This is something you have to do to ultimately be happy.” Remember when you had to do a rose ceremony to be happy?

So, cut to the chase, Kacie B. gets sent home. Nicki and Lindzi hug her and say goodbye, and Courtney makes the best face in the history of The Bachelor, a face that basically says, “Um, she just got kicked off, why isn’t she leaving yet? Get this bitch out of here, Ben.” Ben says sorry to Kacie B., and she replies, “It’s fine.” And for a moment it seems like she is fine, but then her face starts looking like Kermit the Frog’s face when the puppeteer makes a fist, and she starts going, “Meeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Kacie B. has an interesting meltdown in the limo. She whines and screams, “What the fuck just happened?!” But I don’t know that it’s genuine. There are no tears and lots of overacting. I think she’s just upset she doesn’t have a way to piss off her parents anymore. Next Bachelorette, maybe? Fingers crossed!

Ben bounces back quickly and announces to the remaining three that they’re heading to “a place perfect for falling in love, a place full of mountains and snow and magic, a place called Switzerland!” He sounds like Harry. Maybe he’s been calling him for advice?

Sure.

Only one word can sum up this episode, courtesy of Courtney. Snap!  Yes, Courtney has abandoned her catch phrase “winning,” which both delighted and confused viewers about what present they were living in, in exchange for a term I can only assume she picked up at a Rice Krispies Runway Show. But snap, indeed.

So, the gang has gone to Belize. This is the last episode before the hometown dates, which means there is a lot on the line, and a lot of things on Belize women’s heads, namely a large ottoman and some folded up rugs. But Ben doesn’t travel on top of native women’s heads. He drives boats in striped tank tops, because he doesn’t care if horizontal lines make him look fat. At this point in the show, if you’re worried that this might be the only tank top Ben wears, don’t. 

Then there’s “arrive at the hotel” time for the ladies. “This is all ours!” one girl exclaims as they gaze at the hotel’s exterior. She doesn’t understand how hotels work. “Water!” another girl cries. That’s right. That’s a pool. I dream of a day when we won’t have to see the girls arrive at the hotel and we can just assume that they have a safe place to sleep wherever their travels may take them. 

And so the bitch fest begins. The women all hate Courtney, and they’re not afraid to use animal metaphors to describe her: shark, black widow (with the infamous Casey B palm smack down. Note here: do not kill black widows with your bare hands). Personally, I can’t think of any animal with big enough shoulders to look like Courtney. Maybe a cartoon Orangutan? Or a Harlem Globetrotter? How does this girl fit through a door? Anyhoo…

The first date card goes to Lindzi (is that right? what the heck?) and it says “Two halves make a whole.” The interesting part about this date card is that it means NOTHING! Maybe if they had spelled it “hole,” but they didn’t. Am I crazy? Am I the only one that gives a damn about the little riddles in this date card? If someone gives ME a date card that says “Two halves make a whole” we better be going to Siamese Twin hospital, or a Math House, or SOMETHING!

So the “whole” not “hole” turns out to be the Blue Hole (translated from Belizean, it means Sad Vagina) which Ben and Lindzi fly over and which is a 500 foot deep thing they (Ben’s penis) will be jumping into. Now you probably didn’t see this coming, but Lindzi is deathly scared of heights and giant vagina metaphors. But then Ben gives her the kiss of courage, slipping his tongue in to deliver the message “Hey, don’t be scared.” And Lindzi’s tongue listened, and they both jumped! But the best part is that we got two metaphors for love out of this: “Love is a leap of faith” (would have made a great date card you idiots) and “I’m falling for him, and I’m FALLING for him.” Bachelor producers, this is the reason you do this.

On their date, Ben does his best to ignore Lindzi’s frog voice and stupid “child, please” face that she always makes and insists that he can see his life with this woman. They talk about how much they like each other. “It’s great.” “Absolutely.” Silence, silence. “Okay, let’s put a message in a bottle. It’s better than talking to each other.” On one side, Ben and Lindzi decide to illustrate a picture of them jumping out of the helicopter—“that’s the joking part,” says Lindzi, so that’s cleared up. On the other side, they write a serious fairytale about their love. Spoiler alert, it’s boring and nobody dies. But you’re not really gonna throw that bottle into the ocean? Oh. Okay. You are. Well, it’s Belize, who gives a shit, right? At least some dolphin can giggle at your funny illustration while it suffocates on your bottle.

So back at the bitch pad, when Emily gets the next one-on-one date, Courtney wants to kill herself. This is her worst nightmare. This is worse than that time she accidentally ate a donut. Or that time when her shoulders were huge, which is every day. Anyway, at least she’s got some perspective.

As Emily’s plane lands, I swear we are catching Ben red-handed squatting into a fart, but no matter, cause my dream date begins: the biking date. And oh look! There’s some guys playing pick up basketball. If you ever stumble upon a pick up basketball game while on a date, there’s nothing that those guys like more than for young lovers to join in.

It’s time for food, and yet, the lobster man has sold all the lobster. But he says if Emily smiles for him, he will take them lobster fishing. Okay, a smile and one tit. At dinner, Ben asks Emily if she’s ready to have him meet her family. We watch the fear on Emily’s face as she pictures her ex boyfriend, a.k.a. her brother, meeting her current boyfriend, Ben. Awkward! But she’s okay with it. Ben tells Emily he knows that smart people don’t like to be called smart. It enrages them and then they use their smartness to make you implode. It’s just what he’s heard. Also, he can see his life with this woman.

Okay, this is long but I don’t care. I DON’T CARE! So, Courtney comes out, shoulders a-blazin’. They go to the Mayan temple (as Kit pitched, who we all know wants to be Mrs. Courtney, what Courtney would call an ancient Stairmaster) and we get our weakest metaphor yet: “With every step we take, we take a step… in our relationship.” Okay, producers, spank yourself. 

Courtney thinks their relationship has fizzled. She wrote about it in her journal, right under her kill list. But Ben’s like “No! I like you! You’re weird. I’m weird—I wear tank tops, I have this hair, other things.” He asks her if she wants him to meet her family. She’s not sure. He loves that! He brings up the fact that everyone hates her. She says she’s tried to win the girls over, but she’s bored with them, and besides, she’s got a lot of guy friends at home anyway. A LOT of guy friends. We can almost see Ben’s little Ben shrink as he hears this, but he is determined to like this bitch. But in Courtney’s defense, she has a lot of experience getting along with people. She’s a model, for god sakes, and everyone knows that when you really need a friend, you find the nearest model. And he can see his life with this woman.

All right, whatever, what some of us call red flags, Ben sees as “okay so that’s somethings,” so let’s just move on to the group date. Ben goes into the women’s bedrooms and watches them sleep for a few hours and then wakes them up to go on a pointlessly early group date. “But I’ve got morning pubes!” exclaims Nikki (why is everyone’s name spelled dumb?). That’s okay, America will watch you shave them now.

On the group date, they are going swimming with sharks. Here we learn that, wait a fucking minute, Rachel’s scared of sharks? Of course! Me thinks these producers are sadistically exploiting people’s fears. I’m fine with that, but I think they could do more with it. Sure, everyone’s scared of heights and sharks, but let’s find some girls with more creative fears. Midgets? Japanese businessmen? Plastic pants? The sky’s the limit. 

So we can’t keep pretending not to notice that Casey B’s hair is getting crazier and crazier. Holly and I agree that it seems to correlate with her rage against Courtney. She says Courtney suuuuucks, hair gets frizzier. She squashes pretend black widow Courtney in the palm of her hand, hair gets frizzier. If Courtney and Casey B are the final two, Casey B may be sporting an Adam Duritz type ‘do. I, for one, can’t wait.

Casey Frizz Head gets the rose on the group date and then says “This is awkward” as the three girls and Ben sit around staring at each other. Everyone agrees and they all go home to date their brothers online. Not really but somehow what is an astute observation of this entire show segues into the girls telling Ben to “tread lightly” with Courtney. Ben says “hey, I’m the one that says  ‘tread lightly’ and ‘be careful’ and ‘watch your back, jack,’ not you guys!” But he does get suspicious… what secrets is Courtney hiding in those shoulders?

As the girls sit around waiting for Ben to diffuse his hair and find a not-tank top to wear to the rose ceremony, Courtney has a shocking revelation. “This isn’t the only way to find love.” Emily stops breathing, only being able to whisper “She said Ben’s not the only guy in the world” over and over. But then she thinks, wait, wasn’t that lobster guy I saw earlier a guy? She can’t be sure. And then Chris Harrison walks in, guy-ness and all, and confuses things further. How dare Courtney discombobulate everyone like this, with her “there are other men for us to date out there” gibberish! Send her away! Casey B growls “I want her to trot out of her like she trots to get a rose” as her hair spontaneously frizzes before our eyes.

But no, Ben wants to steal Courtney for another chat, or maybe just another chance to look at her model body and think, “I could get weird with that” as Courtney makes mouth sounds. And then shocker, with Emily’s “Goodbye Courtney, it was nice knowing you” still ringing in our ears, Ben chooses Courtney as his last pick. Oh, editors, how you toy with us. As Emily leaves, Courtney says in a disturbing Southern accent “See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya,” for the second time this episode (she’s a catch phrase magnet). Ben hears this and says to himself “that’s my future asshole wife for ya.” Also, word of advice to Ben, don’t use pet names like “Rach” when you are dumping someone. It’s Rachel.

So, Emily is gone. It’s a lesson to us girls. Be dumber. Make your raps incoherent and poorly rhymed. When you tell jokes about being in love with a tribe’s chief, screw up the punchline, or even better, end the joke with “snap.” 

Also, Courtney is killed by a deadly spider bite in the final shot of the show.

Crazy like a Fox in Socks.

I’m sorry this update is so late.  After watching the kissing scene between Jamie and Ben last week, I blacked out from the extreme awkwardness and just woke up now.  But enough about me!  Let’s go back in time to one week ago in Panama City…

The nine remaining ladies arrive at their hotel suite.  The squeal and marvel at the view, which is of a swimming pool and construction site.  Ben enters and sheepishly delivers a one-on-one date card.  He wrings his hands and gives the ladies a goofy smirk: “See one of you very soon.”  Goddamnit he is charming.  I totally get it.

VIP cocktail waitress and ex-Hooters girl Blakely really wants the one-on-one date but it goes to Casey B.  Ben takes Casey B. to a deserted island and says that teamwork is a big part of any relationship.  He looks at Casey B: “Coconuts?”  She replies: “Coconuts.”  Then Ben hacks apart coconuts with a machete while Casey B. watches and giggles.  These two are a perfect match for each other and we are watching them fall in love before our eyes.  Later, over dinner, Casey B. really opens up and tells Ben about the eating disorder she had for one year in high school.  It ended when her parents found her throwing up at a Super Bowl party.  She may be 24-years-old but she’s been through some shit.  She gets a rose.

The next day, Ben goes on a group date with Courtney, Emily, Casey S., Nicki, Jamie and Lindzi, who looks like a floppy Muppet.  Or maybe an elf.  And elf-Muppet?  It’s the way she moves her head and swings her arms when she talks.  ANYWAY.

The ladies meet up with Ben at the side of a river, in the middle of a rainforest.  Ben rides up on a motorboat.  “Like my boat?” he says because he’s awkward and doesn’t know how to greet people in a normal way, much less a group of women vying for his attention.  Jamie calls Ben a man’s man.  She says she was impressed with the way he drove the boat up on shore.  Which sounds dangerous and means he doesn’t know how to steer a boat.  But who are we to explain such obvious things to Jamie? 

Ben and the ladies float down the river when they spot a group of native children in loincloths playing with a gleaming white soccer ball untouched by mud.  Even though they’re playing in mud.  (No footage of the producer taking the ball out of a bag and tossing it to the kids, then taking it back when the shot was finished.)  Ben and the women follow the native children to their village where Ben changes into a loincloth and the women get dressed in beaded see-through tops.  Everyone wears bikinis underneath the beaded tops except for Courtney.  She shakes her bare boobs at a group of kids, then at the tribal chief, and then at Ben while the other women seethe with jealousy. 

Cut back to the hotel suite where Casey B, Rachel and Blakely are hanging out.  A date card arrives.  It takes Casey B. a long time to read the card out loud.  She practically sounds out every word.  We learn that Rachel and Blakely are going on a two-on-one date with Ben.  Blakely says she’s “super pumped.”

Back the at group date, Ben and the women are hanging out by a pool.  Jamie pulls Ben aside and awkwardly explains that she wants to show him how much she likes him.  Her speech seems to be leading up to a kiss.  Cue the ominous music as Courtney creeps up behind them in a skimpy white bikini and splashes in the pool.   Jamie is thrown off plan.  No kiss.  Later, Emily makes a joke and Ben’s head explodes.  Lindzi gets the rose. 

I got it!  She looks like the fox from Dr. Suess’s Fox in Socks.  And her name is Lindzi Cox!  For real!

The next night, Ben, Blakely and Rachel go salsa dancing.  Blakely is psyched.  She totally Hooters it up when she salsa dances and Rachel feels threatened.  She complains that Blakely uses her sexuality to attract Ben.  Wow, what a snake.  Blakely should be using her smoker’s voice, like Rachel is doing!  Later, Blakely reveals she’s psycho when she shows Ben her creepy child-like scrapbook about the “life I picture with you.” Ben gives Rachel the rose.  The Hooters owl says, “Who?!”  Blakely is sent home in tears.

It’s almost time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony.  Chris Harrison makes a surprise visit to the hotel suite and pulls Casey S. aside.  The women are worried because when Chris shows up unannounced, “it’s serious.”  From all the previews of Casey S. wailing and sobbing, we’re expecting something traumatic has happened.  Chris drops the bomb: It’s been brought to his attention by three different people in the United States that Casey S. is still in love with her ex.  HOLY SHIT.  Wait.  What? That’s the serious news?  Casey S. looks shocked and at first denies the accusation, then admits her feelings for her ex and suggests she go to therapy.  Chris says she’s gotta come clean with Ben.  They go to Ben’s hotel room where he’s alone (with a cameraman ready to shoot the whole interaction).  Casey S. tells Ben she has feelings for someone else in addition to him.  He gets pissed and boots her off the show.  She falls apart and sobs in Chris Harrison’s arms.  It sounds a little like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WabT1L-nN-E

As you know from my many rants, I believe Casey S.’s exit was a staged ratings ploy and she was a plant, only on the show to stir the pot with Courtney.  Come on, that cry was way too crazy to be real.  You have to believe me.  YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!!!

At the cocktail party, Jamie is still determined to kiss Ben.  She says normally she’s a shy prude but not tonight.  She’s going to find Ben and shock him.  What ensues is the most awkward kiss ever.  Jamie sits Ben down and directs the kiss like she’s directing a school play.  “First of all, when my mouth is open, your mouth is closed. And vice versa.”  She straddles Ben and accidentally rips her dress (“Oooh! I’m gonna ruin my dress haha”).  Her efforts fail.  No rose for Jamie.  She’s sent home. 

Next episode:  The week leading up to hometown dates!  Belize!  Courtney gets called out!  Omg!

ED NOTE: Steven is out of the pool! Condolences Steven.

Kit and Greg were the latest to fall when Elyse and Jennifer were not intelligent and thoughtful naked enough to stay. Still remaining:

Blakeley (Lizzie)

Casey S. (Jim)

Naked Courtney (Holly)

Emily The Smart One (Nora)

Jamie (Who?) (Steven)

Kacie The Winner B. (Fybel)

Lindzi (Loren)

Nicki (Benner)

Rachel (Kelv)

The rest of us are on a group date to hell! Bachelor!